Hi Again.
So. As I wrote my first blog, I realized I was introducing my 4 kids and specifying the ages and genders, and differentiating between “my kids” and “step kids”. It reminded me of a conversation I had with a sweet friend when Jon and I were engaged to be married and knowing we were blending our families for the long-run. This friend knew what it was to be a step mom. She and her husband raised his two kids from a pretty early age. She told me with a sweet smile that there is no such thing as “step” in her house. No “Step Mom” nor “Step Child” was uttered because that would indicate they had less than a whole love for each other. I already loved Jon’s kids so very much, I thought this sounded incredibly sweet and loving.
It didn’t take me long to realize that every family has to come up with their own definitions and their own names and create their own ways of showing their love and respect for each other.
Jon and my math is this:
We share 1 house, God and church; We have 2 dogs; 3 exes; 4 kids, and 5 sets of in-laws.
Then I always add, “And he’s still worth it!!” Hahaha!!
With all of that in mind, as sweet and wonderful as it sounded to me to throw that word “step” right out the window, the first time I introduced all four of “my kids” to someone, or maybe I even just was talking about “my kids”, the reaction I got from Jesse surprised me and made me realize this piece was going to be a key part of caring for his heart. He said quietly, “well, actually, Trish, you’re not my real mom because I already have a real mom but-I-still-love-you-ok?” The last was said all together like he had to hurry up because he was sure he’d just hurt my feelings and he needed to make it better as fast as he could.
I assured him I was and am and always will be very aware that his has a real mom, and I am happy he has her and I know that he and his mom both love each other a whole lot. And I promised to be careful to make sure he knew I knew, and he knew other people knew he is my step son. That I get to love him as a sort of “bonus” to both of us. And I could see the relief visible on his face and in his body language. Jesse can’t really hide his feelings. He wears his emotions not just on his sleeve, but in his entire body. He has assured me without words many times that every time I introduce him as my “step-son”, he is more relaxed and at ease with the person he just met, and me and himself. He calls me “Trisha” or “Trish” and I call him “Jesse-Roo” or “Jesse” and we love each other bunches. He still talks to his mom every day on the phone, and we get to see her every once in a while. I hope they both know how happy I am when I get to see them connecting.
There are some things I handle as a parent in his life, and some things I step aside and let dad handle. Some things that a step parent may not say or handle in other families, I tend to step in and say and do anyway. This comes from my husband having a huge amount of respect for me, and us working together very well as a team. It also comes from me being more verbose than he is. 😉
Laureli’s situation was a little stickier. Shortly after Jon and I started dating, her mom moved to California (yes, Jesse and Laureli have different moms, if you weren’t aware before, this makes more sense if you know that – it also explains our math), and they lost contact for a while. During that time, she and I bonded and she began calling me “mom” by her own choosing. I often left off the “step” part when introducing her (after checking in with Lainey and Alex to make sure that was ok with them, too.) But then a couple of years later, her mom came back in to her life, and it didn’t feel as ok to her to love me that much any more, so she worked to put some distance between us. Again, I found it was a way to tell her that I love her and respect her and even respect her mom’s position in her life by adding that “step” into the title at introductions. Or letting her hear me tell someone that she is Jon’s daughter. I did what I could to make the distinction that tells her it’s my intention to love her, but not take her mom’s place. Another couple of years have passed since then, and our bond is back to being strong, but she still prefers to call me “Trish”, and that’s ok with me. I still soak up the hugs she gives me and I’m never the first to let go. I know the bond is there when I get the warm melt-against-me hugs, instead of the stiff-as-a-board-tolerating-this-because-I-have-to that she offered during that tough transition time. There are times she comes to me for parental advice. There are times she is here with me and her dad and opts to call her mom. There are times I have to step in and up and take the lead role in discipline and guidance because Jon is at work and an issue comes up. But for the most part, I try to be the cheerleader and let Jon be the main parent. This is not my natural instinct, but I try. LOL! I hope Laureli knows that no matter what, I love her and want the very best for her. And I know the very best for anyone is having the love of all their parents in their lives.
The flip side of all this step-stuff is being Lainey and Alex’s mom. Once upon a time, I was married to their dad. And for a while, this house was just me and my two kids. Now my kids share me with two other kids and a new husband, and they spend every other week with their dad and step mom. There has been a lot of adjusting and adapting on their part, as well. They do an amazing job of dealing with the transition of going between houses every Sunday evening. They keep up with cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents in all directions. They are completely and utterly surrounded by love everywhere they go. And it shows in their behavior and life choices and grades and performance in school. They are happy and loved and secure in spite of being the children of divorce. Jon feels loved and respected when they call him “Jon” and refer to him as their “stepdad” to their friends. I know I will see their step mom and dad at almost every sporting event and parent conference and birthday party, etc that I go to for my kids. Early on in the separation and divorce, I admit this brought a pang. Now, it actually makes my heart smile knowing my kids are SO loved and so safe and supported at both of their houses. The one thing their dad and I can agree on is that the health of our kids’ hearts has to come first in every choice we make. This has affected a lot of big and little life choices for both of us. Most of all, it has meant that we have never have and will never try to hurt each other through the kids, because we know who will truly get hurt in that tactic. I’m forever grateful to my ex for that tremendous gift. If all divorced parents could follow that basic rule, the world would sincerely be a better place. (I may have to write more on that another time.)
So, there you have it. I have 4 kids. I carried 2 of them under my heart for 9 months, and my heart has been beating outside my body since they were born. I met Laureli when she was 8 years old, and she immediately jumped into my heart with a recitation of a poem about a frog, and continues to reside there and take up more and more space every day. Jesse came into my life as a sweet and adorable and tall-for-his-age 4 year old. His love for cars and awesomely unique perspective in this world never cease to surprise me. I fall in love with him a little more each day.
I married Jon June 30, of 2012. On that day, we promised each other a lifetime of love and devotion. We turned to all four kids and promised them the same thing. Not because we have to, but because we choose to. I hope they feel secure in that promise.
With Love,
Trisha
trishatalksalot 